Dear Facebook Friend Pretending to be Uninterested in Politics

I know.

I know that when something becomes "cool" it's actually just becoming "uncool." When something gets talked about a lot, the quickest way to I'm-a-brooding-loner-and-you-want-me land is to act oblivious to it, or at least tell all of us lesser people why you find it boring or unimportant.

I am wondering though if you drive a car. Or if you like being alive and staying alive and not worrying about getting killed by bombs at Target or whatever your version of Target is because Target is a little too mainstream, you know? I am also wondering if you eat food, and when you do, if you choose what food it is that you eat, or if you just close your eyes and chew. Do you go to sleep without holding a knife and with both eyes closed? Do you have family members that you care about? (That one might be iffy but it's ok if you say no to a few of these.) If you got sick enough, do you prefer having a hospital available? If your house were burning down, do you prefer having a fire department available? Do you like the fact that other people are alive? Do you like watching Adult Swim? Do you like playing your guitar? Do you ever drive to another city and visit it and stay in a hotel or at a friend's house and then drive home, on roads? Do you wash your hair? Do you drink orange juice? Do you wear shirts and pants?

Then you have an interest in politics.

Sincerely,

Maria

Dear Sad Lady With Red Hair

Dear Sad Lady With Red Hair,

The other day I was walking into the lunch room to read more Boleyn novel nonsense and you stopped me and said you liked my shoes, and then you looked forlornly toward the corner of the room, and you said, oh, I remember when I used to be young and dress cute.

And your voice made me very sad.

I think it made you sad too, because suddenly you frowned and walked away when normally we might have had a bit of a longer exchange of pleasantries.

First of all, I got my shoes at Stein Mart. Granted, they are fabulous, but I didn't raid some secret, black-lit, youth-only warehouse in New York City on Fashion Week or anything like that. If you had happened to go to Stein Mart on that Saturday with me, right after I ate that biscuit sandwich at the breakfast joint over on Scottsdale Road, you may have picked up the same pair, exclaimed "35 bucks!! Is it my birthday?!" and then walked back to your car a new woman, too. (And then texted your husband and said 'sorry in advance but I'm not telling you why.') My point is, these shoes aren't exclusive.

Secondly, I like your hair color. It isn't that weird, dull red that some gingers have, it's that fire-engine red, like Joanie on Mad Men. Joanie on Mad Men, no less! You're in the big leagues, red! Way to go!

Thirdly, I wish you wouldn't go on that crazy no-bread diet. No one likes a no-bread diet. And really, it can't be done. A few weeks after you've reached your "goal" you're going to have one cracker and gain it all back plus 10 pounds and a greater sense of injustice. Life is not meant to be lived in the absence of grilled cheese. If you want to get more fit, take a walk a few times a week and eat more broccoli. Otherwise, enjoy life, ok? Life includes your lunch break.

Fourthly, I bet you have a lot of people who love you. You say hi to me in the morning and it makes me feel better. You know, about it being morning. So add me to that list.

Fifthly, you can borrow my space heater whenever you want.

Please don't be sad. Being older than 25 surely has it's ups. Being 25 has it's downs, anyway. But overall, life is pretty good, right? I mean, major network TV series are about to start again; it's pumpkin-related food season, and we live in a world where this happens sometimes. Smile!

Cordially,

Maria, or that one girl with the shoes.