Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Please Don't Chase Me Because I'll Probably Get Tired After Mile 2

After a weekend consisting of both The Hunger Games movie and a highly anticipated return to Season 1 of 24 that has been 5 years in the making (oh Jack, I've been waiting to return to you since the moment you left), I realized this weird notion I have that you'll now shut up and listen to.

Sometimes when I'm working out and I feel like I'm going to fall over and die (or, "every day at the gym,") I think to myself, 'pretend someone is chasing you!' And I don't mean, pretend Aaron is chasing you to give you a big hug, or pretend the guy from Sbarro's is chasing you to give you the second piece of pizza you bought but forgot on the counter, althought that is a fantasy I like to entertain at other times. I mean, picture someone is chasing you to murder you and then, I don't know. Sell the rights to Lifetime for a movie in which Lindsay Lohan portrays you. THE HORROR.

Because you know how people say that in extreme circumstances, your adrenaline can allow your body to do crazy things? Like moms lifting cars off their children or pre-pubescent coeds fainting on command when they see Justin Bieber? I think I have been under the impression that if I were ever being chased by someone wanting to harm me, I'd always have the stamina to keep running until I was safe. Because hello, if I didn't, that guy could HURT ME and my body knows how to avoid that. Survival mode.

I have no idea where that belief came from but when I was watching Katniss sprinting through the biodome forest this weekend (UM where were the avoxes?!) I caught myself saying "wait - she's getting TIRED? I call BS." And then I thought...oh my word, no one else is weirded out by that. I think this is exactly like how I always thought the word "won" was pronounced like "juan" and no one ever told me differently until 2008.

My fears were cemented when during episode 1 of season 1 of 24 (God bless the brain for forgetting details! Watching it is fun again.) I saw Jack and some weird dude from CTU running away from an assassin, and the weird dude from CTU (I knew he would die the moment I saw him, because you just KNOW with 24, you know? OMG 24 rocks so much) eventually ran out of juice and fell over and got shot and did the whole "I'm-convulsing-from-multiple-shots" thing that all male actors have to do once in their careers. And then he died.

Now, it's like, my life is continually flashing before my eyes. If I apparently can't outrun would-be assassins and/or the people who always ask me for a ride to San Diego at that gas station on Thomas road, OMG MY DEATH IS IMMINENT. Why can't I trust my body to save me?! It successfuly digested a potato casserole on Saturday! It is not without talent!

I think this is another lesson, wherein I learn that our bodies are just shells and evil is real and we can't outrun it. And more than that, that just because I'm me doesn't mean bad things won't happen to me. You guys, that's hard to swallow and I'm not even embarrassed to say it, because I think we all struggle with that to some degree. That's why there's so much road rage in the world.

So now I'm saying God, bless me with difficult things so that I can learn my limits even more; so that it shows me how to lean on you. But my heart is saying - really though, don't please, and please inspire Aaron to buy a chocolate cake tonight because I deserve it. But I think God knows that my mind WANTS my heart to mean it, and that's all I can give right now, and there's that.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

How I Keep My Therapist in Business

I want it to be fall because it will be close to Christmas, but then it will be too close and I'll be worried about the homesickness I feel right after Christmas, so really I want it to be June because we'll be going to Ireland and it will also be camping season, but summer is too hot here so really I want it to be April because we can watch Titanic and thunderstorms will come, but April is too close to the hot summer so really I want it to be March, which it is, but I'm bored and I want something else.

Also, Aaron won't let me win at MarioKart.

Friday, March 16, 2012

This Is Happening

Ok. Do you remember this post? In which my heart was breaking into a million pieces because the world is a big big lady and I felt stuck on her one freckle?

Here is where I tell you what we're doing with our money, and it is not a joke that I have been waiting my. entire. life. to say a sentence like this: We are going to Ireland.

When my cousin Christie studied abroad in Rome when I was 8, I decided I wanted to go places, too. When I had to write a paper in college on my "life goals," the middle section was a list of other countries I wanted to see. When the owner of the homeless shelter I volunteered at in Athens told my small group that money is best spent on 'perspective,' I was sold.

You know what else?

2012 is the 100th anniversary of the Titanic sinking. Oh my gosh my hands are sweating with the ferocity of my typing right now.

So we're going to go to Belfast first. To see where Titanic was built and sailed from and the Harland & Wolff office where she was drawn. And the new Titanic exhibit they're opening this year.

I don't really know how to write about this, because it feels like my life just stopped being something I was waiting for.

We're going in June. This blog will now become a vehicle for everything that makes me excited about it, so if you're sticking with me you'll probably want some espresso and also a chalkboard to run your fingernails down.

First, I will show you where we are staying in Belfast and what we're going to see there. Next time I'll show you where else we're going.

Can you imagine that in a few months I'll post my OWN pictures of this nonsense? You guys, it's like, this stuff EXISTS while we're in our sweatpants watching Pawn Stars. Something about that makes me want mourn-eat fried food and then go to confession.

Here's the Ravenhill House in Belfast. Oh my gosh I would give anything to be able to type the Irish accent phonetically right now.

Guys, I mean seriously, we are going to see this. SHE SAT RIGHT THERE.


That's it for now. Ireland is happening. I will take you with me as best I can. And if you've ever been, OH MY GOSH CALL ME because I am as overwhelmed with the planning as I am unbearably excited.


Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Mo Money Mo Money

The thing with Coke Zero is, I think it might be trying to kill me. If it tastes the same as Diet but it's not Diet, how are they doing that and is there a hotline for if my fingernails turn green? I mean, guys, they aren't, but still. Advertising something like Coke Zero makes me so sad, because it's so counterintuitive while I shake my head and drink another one. I think this is the type of situation where Darwin would say "and THAT'S why you'll never run a Fortune 500 company." But whatever, I'm a creationist.

Can you believe you read this blog? I know; probably don't tell anyone.

Anywhoo, Coke Zero Red Dawn notwithstanding, I've been meaning to write a bit regarding what you should all do with your money.

Ever since I started making money, it has been freaking me out. I never, ever, EVER, know what to do with it. I don't mean to say I'm not grateful for it; I very, VERY much am, and have certainly traipsed through leaner times without it. But at this point in our life, a pair of black high heels can send me into an anxiety spiral for three days, especially if they're not from the metal clearance rack at Macy's that is just unorganized enough to say "You Who Shop Here Mean Less To Us Than Those That Shopeth Amongst The Shelves."

But then a couple of months ago, Aaron and I set a goal for something we want to do with our money in a couple of months. (Here is where I get vague and don't tell you what it is, and you're like man, she sucks, and I'm like LET ME BE ME.) And I can't tell you how freeing it is.

A few weeks ago one of my favorite bloggers Annie wrote about how "there's something so good about having fewer options." And oh, is there. Now that I rabidly throw my paychecks into our savings account week after week, and proceed to guard them with my bare teeth, I've completely stopped sweating over the J. Crew striped sweater that all the fashion blogs told me I'd become irrelevant without. It's so wonderful.

And I cannot wait to tell you what we're saving for. As soon as it's all settled, I will. I am just superstitious and a part of me still can't believe it's going to happen, so as soon as we actually click "buy" I will share. BUT NOT UNTIL THEN BECAUSE I WILL HOOK YOU.

The bottom line is, set a goal with your money and do it, and stop buying earrings from American Eagle because they'll turn your ears green. So will Coke Zero.

And scene.

In other news, Relevant Magazine published a new column of mine today. I do hope you'll peruse!

Monday, March 5, 2012

To California: A Narrative

This weekend we drove to Pasadena to hang out with Aaron's cousins. We left early-ish on Saturday and drove the lonely, dusty I-10 through the windmills that make me ponder my own mortality and all that I waste my time on, and then we got to our hotel and immediately set back out in the warm sun.

We met up with Scott and Amy and drove out to Santa Monica, where we were greeted by this.

and I was like, man California. I want to marry you, but why does your gas cost $4.50 a gallon? As we pondered this and other of life's questions, we then proceeded to eat lobster at the aptly named "Lobster" on the pier, while Scott told awesomely awesome stories about his awesomely awesome job as a writer and producer for Dexter and Amy and I made plans to do Thanksigiving together next year.

The next day we went to Hollyweird.

The sun was so warm and the breeze was so nice and little Audrey and Zane are too fun for just a weekend. Listen to "Lovers Carvings" by Bibio if you want to know how the day felt.

Then I realized Will Smith and I could totally swap shoes.

Now we're back in Phoenix and the moral of the story is:

1. I've created a monster in buying myself a photo-ready iPhone

2. California is so wonderful except for a bottle of lemonade costing $3423240394

3. Aaron's cousins are super awesome and super fun and I'm super excited that we live so close to them; also I like 'super.'

Have you taken any fun little trips lately?