Lately I've Been

I was overwhelmed with the response to my last post. It was pretty heavy and a bit aggressive (at least that's how I felt about it) but I was really touched by a lot of your feedback. Thank you for that. It occurs to me that my blog is becoming somewhat of a theological experiment, which is funny to me because I consider myself to be very far from an expert in such matters. But I like talking about it and I hope (and it would seem) that you do to. So we move forward.

For today's issue of Maria Dot Com, however, we are going to hang on the lighter side of things with me giving you a generously long update on what I've been up to lately, full of just the sorts of minute details that surely are keeping you up at night.

1. Listening to
I finally synced up my iPhone with my iTunes. A year after buying the phone. Because I had an old version of iTunes and my computer wouldn't allow me to update it without first deleting the program and I was afraid I'd lose my library, and like, I need my LFO Summer Girls to be with me forever, you know? Anyway I took the plunge the other night and it didn't even delete my library, which honestly makes me kind of mad at this point. All of this to say I then promptly bought the new Eisley album and am in melody heaven. They are like sirens. And "Drink the Water." Oh my gosh.

2. Watching
We've started Scrubs over again on Netflix. Elliot's hair: yes. I'm sad there aren't a lot of good new shows right now. Maybe there are and I'm unaware? Please do tell.

3. Reading
I just finished "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed and loved it. It was vulnerable and lovely and her adventure was a page-turner. My only critique is... oh goodness, this is going to be very predictable. My critique is that she never found God. Seriously, that's my critique. Because when you go on a long, soul-searching journey, it is unrealistic that you find "peace" or "happiness" when you finally simply realize that you are imperfect and so is life so just enjoy it happy face! 'Just Do Whatever You Want' doesn't bring peace OR joy and any serious or seriously honest writer wouldn't try to pretend it did. Unless they are in denial, which is probably the case for a lot of us, Cheryl included.

Now I'm on to "I Was Told There'd be Cake" by Sloane Crosley. Research.

4. Doing
This past weekend we went to San Diego in the spur of the moment. It was Tuesday or so of last week when Aaron and I said to each other, darling, we have three free days and a beach not far away! How could we not? We couldn't not, is how, so we did, and it was lovely. Hotwire.com is my new best friend except the Manchester Hyatt, while fabulous, is not skilled in warming up their room service apple pie that is evidently pre-made and then frozen to a temperature colder than the Arctic Circle. Other than the Apple Pie Debacle of 2013 (seriously, try having eating issues but then talking yourself into permission to have your favorite dessert JUST THIS ONCE and then have the hotel mess it up. DISASTER) the hotel was lovely and we got to look at this all weekend.

We also went to Coronado Island.

Then we went to the San Diego Zoo and I died for sheer love of every second. (Mom tells me that we didn't like to go to the zoo as kids. That has to be complete hogwash; I remember very distinctly the poster I had of Shamu hanging in my room, though yes, that was purchased at the gift shop of Sea World and not the zoo but it is my love of animals that I'm trying to defend here. Anyway Mom says "you guys never wanted to go to the zoo!" and I spend the next 5 minutes frantically wondering if I really know myself at all and then Mom qualifies it with telling me that the Columbus Zoo shared a driveway with Wyandot Lake, which was a water park, and every time we drove up that drive way we (kids) chose the water park. UM, OBVI? We were children. That does not mean I did not love a squishy adorable elephant butt as much as the next person. Just that I liked wave pools more at that particular moment of my life.

Anyhow here are lots of pictures but not as many as I wanted to post, you're welcome.

Tiger

BREAKING: ELEPHANT BUTT

PANDA BUTT TAKES THE LEAD

SERIOUSLY LOOK AT THIS PANDA THAT IS MY NEW BEST FRIEND

Quick break to help the zoo bus up the hill, I work out

Grizzly.

Koala!

After the zoo we went to La Jolla. It was so very gorgeous. But it made my heart a bit achy for those Carolina beaches. Carolina beaches know how to be beaches, you know? California beaches are like, towns that don't realize there's a beach right there. Not enough "Gone fishin'" signs and condos named "Seaside Dunes" and such, if you know what I mean.

5. Thinking About
Writing a story. Or a novel. Something pretty. This is what I'd like to do.

6. Praying For
My Ma. She's the sickest healthy person you'd ever meet. She's in the hospital this week with pancreatitis. Add her to your list too?

And just what have you been doing lately?

Atlas Shrugged and I was like "Dude, don't be a Jerk"

I just finished Atlas Shrugged. It took me forty hundred years (which is 2 months in Maria time) and was grueling but gripping. It made me groan because I recognize the story, playing out in the news, and that makes me sad. It also made me groan because that lady is WORDY, and there were so many times when I was like come on, all I want is to just finish this chapter and get some chicken nuggets, how long is this going to take?

Regardless, the book is a must-read I think, and now I shall share some of my impressions. Shut up and listen.

First of all Ayn Rand, I don't know if you really started a philosophical revolution because I wasn't around when you were, but if you did, I'm sad about it, because I don't know how we didn't know that stuff before.

People can be trusted more to make useful business decisions when they are working for a profit than when they aren't. That just makes sense. So replacing businessmen with politicians in the role of economic rule-making (and keeping) doesn't work. It's just replacing fallible people with fallible people. Except the first group actually have a financial interest in succeeding. The second group just wants to look good. I know who I'd trust more.

CEO's don't make money "on the backs of" blue-collar workers. Blue-collar workers wouldn't have jobs if CEO's didn't have ideas that needed some machinery to implement. And blue-collar workers can leave whenever they'd like.

Secondly, I think we should help each other, but only because we want to. Of course it is my hope that we'd all want to, and Jesus had a lot to say about this that made sense. But we're not all going to want to, and no one should make you. However, Ayn Rand, you downplay this a little too much for me. It's ok for people to have sympathy. I know you would just say "then they are serving their own interests by acting on that sympathy" and maybe that's true, but that's why we need God to change our hearts. Also, a lot of this is just semantics. I think we're on the same page. Kind of.

Thirdly, I really hope that the true reason behind fakely altruistic politicians and the like is not the fact that they hate living. When you follow their actions all the way to their basest possible motives, that may seem like the only plausible explanation sometimes, but I just hope it's not. I tend to think it's more simple - that they just want to be liked. Or in power. That seems a lot less evil to me than just hating life, and so hating those who love it.

Fourthly, I wish I had known you had a Russian accent before I read the book, because I really missed out on narrating the entire thing with your accent.

Fifthly, Dagny is incredible and I named my Kindle after her.

Readers? Any thoughts? Have you read it? Does the fact that I read it mean I have to write a paper and enter a scholarship contest now? These are burning questions.

Monday Nonsense

Ok, friends. Here's the dealio, as Michael Scott would say. Due to the 'political' nature of my new job, my boss is a bit wary of me having a public blog. (They were burned in the not-too-distant past by an employee with a weak social network filter. Ahem.) However, upon hearing that, after I got over the initial devastation (not really) I researched and found a way to have an invite-only blog. So for now, you all and I share a secret. :)

That being said, I didn't start this post with a lot to say. Just wanted to be in the blog world again.

So, my sweet Mom and Dad are coming out to ol' Scottsdale tomorrow for their yearly April visit, and it feels like Christmas Eve. Aaron and I just completed the Baer Apartment Deep Clean of 2011, and that feels lovely. We blasted Mute Math, John Mayer, and Eisley. Also the vacuum joined in on the noise factor.

While I was cleaning the shower and Aaron Michael was sweeping the furniture, I had one of those existential moments where I realized I was actually having fun, and that Aaron is just the stinkin' bee's knees. Sometimes I think people imagine the 'domestic' parts of marriage to be anti-climactic. I certainly used to, before we got married. But I would trade the awkward tension of dating for the happy hum-drum of cleaning together almost any day.

We were born in different states. We literally never knew of each other for the first 18 years of our lives. Now we are inseparable and we clean our apartment together in music-filled silence. Who could've known?

That reminds me of a line in "Memoirs of a Geisha," which I just finished and have been mulling over all day. But I can't quite recall the line right now. It is about the rhythm of life and how our destiny is like a stone falling toward the earth... it's the most beautiful line and I'm butchering it. But this is where I tell you that if you really want to hear it, you'll have to go read the book. Then, of course, call me so we can chat about it!

Alright, time for my nightly glass of cranberry juice (girlfriends: jump on this train. If you'd like to know why, Google it or e-mail me.) and then a little bit of reading. Tonight I'm starting "Water for Elephants."

I have to say a thank you before I go, though. I was nervous putting myself out there to have an e-mail only blog, because I wasn't sure if I'd have any takers. But ya'll made me feel very loved and I'm so glad we can share this together. And hey - if you have a blog too, would you mind leaving it in the comments? I really really want to follow you.

Goodnight, friends.
Maria

Here's What's Up.

I haven't written in a while. Part of that has been that we have been insanely busy (in a good way! December is always that way, it seems.) But another part is that I feel like every time I am inspired to write, it's because I'm feeling particularly bummed or melancholy, and I don't like that. It makes it seem like my whole life is melancholy. And it so is not! Maybe those kinds of days are just the ones where I feel more poetic.

Either way, I want to write tonight. I don't have a main point in mind. Just want to write. About what's going on lately in Baer world.

1. New Years and such
This year, my resolution is not to lose weight. We can talk about the magnitude of that one day, maybe. But probably not.

Anyway, I have two goals this year. The first is to find a play to be in. Over Christmas break, Mom and Dad took us to see "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" in Lakewood (Cleveland) and it was faaaabulous. ("Could you use a slave, you hairy bunch of Ishmaelites?") It made me want to hop on stage and make everyone look at me while I do funny things. That's generally what wish every day was like, but community theater is man's way of making that socially acceptable. So I plan to partake this year.

My (our) second goal this year is to research and hopefully find a long-term trip to start planning for. One of Aaron and I's goals for our life is to spend an extended amount of time in another country, helping out. What that looks like, we have no idea. And I do hesitate to make grand plans like that too far in advance, because that's just the sort of thing God likes to mess up to teach you a lesson. (Don't take that literally, but I kind of mean it.) Anyway, we are hoping after this year to at least have a goal in mind and a savings plan for it. Then, the idea is, after another 2 or 3 years in Phoenix, we will pack up, go on an adventure for a while, then come back to the states and 'settle down' a bit closer to my parents. :) I've started researching some orphanages in Uganda for the past three weeks, because we sponsor a sweet little dude in Kampala and would love to get to meet him, too. We'll see. I'll keep you all updated on our progress.

2. Books
Now I want to talk about "Atonement" and whatnot. One of the things I love the most about Christmas and the respite it promises every year is the stories I always finally have the time to delve into. One year I got the Bourne movies as presents and spent the entire break watching the Bourne Supremacy every night. (I used to be a big movie re-watcher. I'm sure there's some clever psychoanalysis you could get from that, but let's pocket that one for now.) Another year I was given Gladiator and the Gladiator soundtrack, and when I wasn't watching Russell Crowe nobly behead armies of stunt men, I was laying on my floor listening to sad flute songs, humming along.

This year, I finally finished the Hunger Games series. It shook me through and through, and you really should expect nothing less from a book. It was happy and sad and complicated and frightening and such a striking commentary on why humans only screw things up on their own - even when they think they're doing the opposite. READ it.

I also read "Atonement" by Ian McEwan and I had to sit with it for a week or so before I finally formed my opinion. And my opinion is a bit complicated. First, parts of it were dreadfully boring. Dreadfully. But I found myself completely unable to put it down, because his way of writing through a child's stream-of-consciousness is one of the most fun things I've ever read. It almost made me mad how much he knew me. But I was Briony. I really can't describe to you how much I was her. One afternoon in my childhood, and all it sounded and felt and looked like to me, WAS worth 150 pages. Just like Briony's. Even if it bores you.

We rented the movie at Blockbuster last night and I might start it tonight. I'm not quite sure, after reading it, how they plan to make a movie out of it, so it should be interesting. I convinced Aaron to watch it by showing him that Kiera Knightly was on the cover. Thanks, Kiera.

3. Old Journals
Aaron bought us new bookshelves this weekend, as he's been inspired lately to beef up our humble apartment. (He painted our living room too - it's a fabulous orange. So southwesterny. I adore it.) As I was shifting old books, bibles, journalism textbooks and planners that I just can't make myself through away from our old shelves to our new, I came across one of my favorite journals. It's the one I had my sophomore year in college. My roommates would recognize it in a heartbeat, I guarantee. It's a big spiral hardbound thing, with a french lady on the front in a fabulous hat. It says "Chic" right next to her. I got it because I was obsessing over the Cardigans that year (and always) and I thought Nina, the lead singer, was so "chic." So that was my word of the year.

Anyway, that journal truly includes the very beginning of Aaron and I. And it was so much fun reading about some of the sweet, confusing things I had forgotten about. How he showed up to one of my shows at a coffee house in a "stupid backwards hat" and offered to buy me a coffee when I had told him to stay away from me until he decided what he wanted to do with his girlfriend back home who he was on a 'break' with. How he seemed so strangely infatuated with me and I almost counted that against him - I was such a nerd; how could I like someone who would have liked me? But what a guy he was, and is. He totally swept me away. I'm so glad I have that journal.

It was weird, reading that, then looking over and seeing this gorgeous guy put the finishing orange touches on our walls. Could he be the same guy? He's not as confusing, or mysterious to me anymore. But strangely, I don't miss that. Now he looks like home. And that's even better.

4. Limbo
Now, this is where I'm going to get melancholy, I guess. Oh well. Take it with a grain of salt.

If you don't read Kate Andre's blog, you simply must. She is so lovely. I've been reading it for a long time now. She's an Ohio kindred spirit, if she doesn't mind me calling her that. Today I read her sweet new entry and found out that she and her new husband are expecting. I'm so happy for her!

And here's where you all are going to laugh at me. Seeing that news made me feel weird. All of my friends, including Aaron, will not hesitate to describe to you how inexplicably terrified of having children I am. I can't even think about it. Now I think that one day, maybe in 10 years or so, Aaron and I will want to grow our family a bit. But right now? HECK no. Don't get me wrong - if God gives us children, we will love them and trust Him. We knew we'd have to be ok with that when we got married. But we are most definitely not trying for that just yet.

BUT. Kate's news made me sigh. And I can't figure out what that means. I almost felt a little...jealous. What a thing she's doing, being a mother. What am I doing? It made me feel like I'm in limbo a bit. Is it wrong to not have kids yet; or to not be trying to have them? Is that what you're supposed to do when you get married? Are we accomplishing anything, or are we being selfish?

Some of those questions I already know the answer to; it's just that that's what went through my mind upon hearing Kate's news. Other friends of mine have had children very recently as well - some of our best friends Kristina and Anthony had little Sophia a few months ago, a friend from home, Becca, had her sweet little Selah in December. And what am I doing? Am I doing nothing?

I said before that you'd laugh at me, and I imagine you are. Here I am, perhaps the person most terrified of children on the planet, stomping her feet because she feels left out. I don't know what that means.

Briony would.

Oh well. Just wanted to get all of that off my chest. I certainly hope God doesn't think this would be a funny time to send us a child. That joke wouldn't land, Big Guy. Come on now.

Ok, now I'm sitting her in the quiet, on our comfy couch bundled in my new pajamas, with a hot chocolate surrounded by orangey, sunsetty walls. Even with limbo and travel plans and baby fear running through my heart, I can't help but be joyful.

Here's to a good week!

Decembering

Ayyyyeeeee mis viditas. I've been on a bit of a blog hiatus. But for good reason! Aaron Michael and I took a trip on an aeroplane back to a sweet Ohio Thanksgiving last week. It was so good for the heart and soul and taste buds. We got to see my precious puppy Jake - he is now 13! Photo below. He is quite handsome, is he not? Especially for an old geezer.

And we got to spend some time with my incredible grandparents. My Grandpa had open-heart surgery the Monday before Thanksgiving, and I was so grateful that we got to see him so soon after. He was already cracking jokes by Wednesday. What a miracle the human body is... and his courage is!

We had a marvelous time, and coming back to Phoenix didn't evoke even one tear - mostly because we'll be going right back come Christmas Eve! ;)

Since we've gotten back, I've also been a bit un-blog-available because...well, we went a little Christmas crazy here in the Baer apartment. "Christmas crazy" being a misnomer, however. Might I add.

We bought a big fat jolly new tree, premium Coldstone brand hot chocolate (did you know there was such a thing?! It is to die for) and a million and one candles. We trimmed the tree, completely replaced our mantle knick-knacks with only Christmas-related decor and surrounded our bedroom window with sparkly bulbs. We've already watched both versions of How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Dr. Seuss-ian and Jim Carrey-ian.) And Aaron would have turned on The Santa Clause tonight if he could have gotten away with it. (I think I'm too tired to sit through a movie right now but if I weren't I just might have given the go ahead!) 'Tis the season! (OOH - I also bought Dave Barnes' Christmas album...YOU MUST GET IT NOW!)

Christmas craziness aside, I wanted to share some thoughts for a moment on a beautiful book I’ve been reading. It’s called “The Return of the Prodigal Son” by Henri Nouwen, and my reaction to it has been kind of curious. It was recommended to me by a dear friend who knows me quite well, and she promised it would change me. I read the forward and the first few pages thereafter and started feeling a bit uneasy – it was boring me, if I can be honest with you. It wasn’t stirring me at all and I was worried I’d have to report back to my friend that I didn’t feel what she pictured I would.

But I’ve kept reading since then, and though I have a few passages underlined and a few pages dog-eared, there isn’t one single page or word in the book that stands out to me in particular… yet it has already changed me in a way that is going to stick. Do you know that feeling? It is such a real feeling to me… it would be like waking up one day and learning you were color-blind. (This happened to Aaron a few years ago. He was quite perplexed. He inexplicably became even more so when I couldn’t stop giggling about it…) But can you imagine yourself going through that discovery? You would have to apply it to all of your memories of things you had seen before, and you’d know you would have it in mind for the rest of your life as you took in your sights.

That’s how this feels after having read this book. There is no going back. I will know what it taught me forever. Isn’t that lovely? It’s like my heart walls have changed.

I just want to share one passage that I read tonight, because it is tearing me up in such a wonderful way. I think it reminded me too of all that I’ve been learning about mercy.

Nouwen is talking about the parable of the vineyard – where the landowner hires workers each hour throughout the day, then pays each of them the same wage at the end. Naturally the workers who had been there all day aren’t too pleased. They “grumbled.” (I would too. I may even have had a 'Blockbuster' moment, as my friend Taylor calls them. More on that later). And the landowner (God) said “Are you envious because I am generous?” (Matthew 20:15). Nouwen says that for a while he used to wonder why, in the story, the landowner decides to pay the workers who had been there the shortest amount of time first, in front of all the others. Why wouldn’t he foresee the conflict and just pay the longer workers first, hoping that they would be on their way and miss the payment of the later workers? But then he learns:

“It hadn’t occurred to me previously that the landowner might have wanted the workers of the early hours to rejoice in his generosity to the latecomers. It never crossed my mind that he might have acted on the supposition that those who had worked in the vineyard the whole day would be deeply grateful to have had the opportunity to do work for their boss, and even more grateful to see what a generous man he is. It requires an interior about-face to accept such a non-comparing way of thinking. But that is God’s way of thinking. God looks at His people as children of a family who are happy that those who have done only a little bit are as much loved as those who accomplish much.”

I don’t know that there is any ‘commentary’ I could add… I just wanted to share that passage so that maybe you could be as bewildered and awed by the kind of God we have as I was. Can you imagine if we acted like the children He envisions us as... He must feel so perplexed by our self-involved cages. That passage makes me think of what C.S. Lewis says about pride as well – that it is pure comparison. The later workers couldn’t see the beauty of the landowner’s gesture because their comparison was blinding them. How much we must miss!

Hope that beats up your heart as much as it did mine. In a great way. :)

Until next time, Happy December, friends! Both Aaron Michael and I celebrate our 24^th birthdays next week, and apparently he is planning an adventurous day for us in the city…I will try to include some pictures!

[P.S. If you are an online Christmas shopper, PLEASE go to www.hughhewitt.com. Check out the banner at the top of the page that says "Good2Give." If you click through that banner to do all your normal Christmas shopping, a portion of your purchases will go to help sponsor hungry children. How can you say no to that!]

Control

If you already have a video game, why do you have to buy an updated version of it every year? That is the question of the hour, as my husband and my brother sit in front of me pushing buttons, yelling at the TV, and completely ignoring me. Madden 2010. You have overtaken my living room.

So. As my reading obsession continues, I just finished Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. I can't get over it. I can't stop thinking about it. And I should have done this before I started reading it, but this morning I put the sequel to it, Catching Fire, on hold at the library. Hopefully the 24 people ahead of me read quickly...

I don't want to give a single thing away, but the main theme of the book has been overtaking my thoughts this week as I raced through the chapters. What do you think we crave the most? In general? What do you think gives even the most faithless, restless or bored among us a feeling of meaning? What are we most angry about when it's taken from us? I think maybe It's control. You can call it different things or characterize it differently - you can call it money, or power or good looks or whatever, but I'm confident I could always convince you that it comes back to some form of control. Isn't that weird about us?

In that way I keep finding these really interesting threads between all the books I've been reading lately. Hunger Games is about control being stolen. The Secret Life of Bees is about how you get along without it, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is about a people who have too much of it, The Shack is about how the desire for it distances us from God, and Mere Christianity offers an explanation for both why we want it in the first place and why, ironically, we would actually be freer if we didn't have it (and the One who did was God, of course; not other men).

I guess I could explore the topic a little more but I don't know what I'd say. I'm certainly finding, the more I think about it, that the situations in my life that leave me the most anxious are ones where I am wrestling with some translation of a loss of control. I don't know that that's bad, though, unless I am keeping something from God. And maybe I am. I don't know. But it's an interesting way of looking at the world; to imagine us all just scrambling around trying to control everything. It's easier to understand why some people act the way they do, I suppose.

I guess I'll just keep mulling this over. Maybe I'll come to some blog-worthy conclusion soon. For now though, I'm going to take control of the next hour of my life and start the second book in the Stieg Larsson series. Let's see what Salander's up to...

Books!

Ever since Aar and I 'discovered' our library a few weeks ago, I have been a reading fiend. I finished Mere Christianity, much to my chagrin (sly grin). I know that book changed my life forever and that gives me happy shivers. But anyway, after that I figured I needed to calm the ol' noggin down a bit, so I read this:

I am actually a daily watcher of Bill O'Reilly on Fox, and Lis Wiehl is a regular guest of his. I really like her - she seems very level-headed and she lets Bill have it sometimes. Anyway, I decided to read her book. Definitely not anything that requires any sort of semblance of deep thinking whatsoever - but that's exactly what I was hoping for. :) It was a fun read and a nice exhale after Mr. C. S. Lewis. I just reserved another one of her books from the library yesterday to read on the beach.

After I was finished with that, I started this:

After the first few chapters, I decided actually to make it part of my daily devotions instead of trying to read it all at once. My favorite chapter so far has been about (more or less) realizing how untrusting and futile worrying about the future is. That sounds very cliche and kind of silly, but the way he wrote about it was new to me and I loved it. Lucado's writing gets a bit forced at times (he really loves the whole prose thing...) but I still recommend it! (My copy even has a permament-marker etching of "To Maria - from Max" in the front... thanks Mom and Dad!)

But even though I am still in the middle of that book, tonight I finished this one:

And all I can say is....

I hope you read it. Not to compare apples to oranges, but if Mere Christianity is an explanation of God, this book is an illustration. It changed me. It changed a LOT of me. In such a deep way that I don't think I can write about it publicly just yet but trust me, my journal got an EARFUL tonight. Maybe I will write more on it later...

So, from girl power detective novels to life-changing theological explorations, I am loving my foray back into the books. And I can't wait for a week at the beach to keep on reading. Next in line: The Secret Life of Bees, Lis Wiehl's other book ("Face of Betrayal"), "The Heights" by Peter Hedges (the library had it on a special shelf and I liked the cover...what?!)... and the list goes on. :)

'The Great Sin'

Good Monday to you!! Mondays are always a little tough, but I am really looking forward to this week. Aar and I are jetting off to Chicago on Wednesday to celebrate his Grandma's 90th birthday this weekend and to see lots of friends and family we have greatly been missing. I can't wait to get out of town for a few days, see some long-missed faces and to GET OUT OF THE HEAT!!

Now. Last week I said I would perhaps blog about all the lovely insight I was gaining from traipsing through Mere Christianity. I definitely have a blog in me today on that very subject, but instead of feeling energetic and inspired, I have to be honest - I find myself wishing I hadn't read the book at all. It is harsh, cold and blunt and perhaps a dose of truth too heavy for me right now. Not while I'm still weak and human and all that. You know.

Too late.



Have you read his chapter on pride? AH! Would that we all did! But I must advise you not to, as a friend and someone who has a healthy respect for spiritual comfort. ( By the way, you can read the entire chapter here. Don't click on it!)

Let me start here... at church last night, a guest speaker touched on pride while talking about the church of Laodicea, which gets a bit of an earful in the book of Revelation. The Laodiceans' response to God was more or less "We're wealthy; we're doing fine - we don't need you." Obviously, that is prideful, and our speaker did a good job hitting home with his sermon. But I couldn't help but hold that example next to C.S. Lewis' pride chapter - and I came to the conclusion that the Laodiceans were merely skimming the outer rim of pride. They had baby pride. Pride with sugar on top.

Saying "I'm proud of myself for getting this promotion" is not necessarily a sinful pride; just as Laodicea saying "We are doing quite well and do not need God" is not necessarily prideful, in its strictest sense. It was foolish, of course, to say they didn't need God. If someone said that to me, though, my response would be less "how prideful of you!" and more "you must not understand what it means to need."

But that's a rabbit trail. What I'm trying to get at is that pride in something you did well is not necessarily sinful. I've heard that we must not forget to give God credit, and that is certainly true. But it's just disingenuous to say "I would be happy about this promotion, but I literally had nothing to do with it. It was only God." It is true that God blessed you with that circumstance; and also with the work ethic, the talent and whatever else you possess that got you that far. But no one truly believes he does not have a choice in what he works for. And it is not sincere to pretend we don't. Nor is it prideful to acknowledge that we do.

Going further - vanity is not even the worst of pride, according to Lewis. Vanity is almost a humble type of pride even; because it says "I am not sure enough of my own worth; I need to hear of it from others." It's something we should surely guard against, but it is not the deep, dark, diabolical side of pride.

Here's what the true density of pride is. It is competition for no reason. It is pure enmity. Lewis calls it the 'anti-God,' which, seriously, is starting to give me nightmares.

The worst type of pride is when, after getting that promotion, you don't say "I'm glad I got this because I like what I'm doing," you say "I am glad I got this purely because it means someone else didn't. I am glad of the status this gives me in comparison to those around me. I am glad I stole this from someone else. And I couldn't care less about the actual promotion."

And I think we could probably find that sentiment in every last drop of every single situation of every single day for us. At least I know I can. Doesn't that make you want to lock yourself in a closet and turn off the light and never come out? Who am I, that I possess this awfulness?! Why do I have to know about it now?

That kind of pride is so terrible because it really has no other motive than just plain meanness. Just grossness. So many other sins or 'vices' have root in our animal instincts - sexual misconduct, gluttony, violence, etc. And any sins you can think of that don't relate to our animal instincts probably have their root in pride (greed, self-absorption, manipulation, ungratefulness, etc.).

Why do you pose for just the right photo to put on your facebook? Why do you put up a Bible verse on your twitter account? Why do you worry about making more money at work, why do you paint your house and take lots of showers and decorate a Christmas tree and put icing on cookies and go to the gym? I mean deeply, why? If you can get to your very deepest motive, I don't think you'll like it. I think It will look a lot less like rationality and normalcy and healthy energy and a lot more like pride. Pride for no reason but malicious intent.

"We say people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better looking than others. If everyone else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking there would be nothing to be proud about."

OUCH.

(As a caveat - Lewis does say that, for example, in the making-more-money-at-work example, pride may not always be at play. It is only when we extend our 'wants' to an extreme distance beyond what we need that we should get skeptical. Maybe you want to make more at work to help pay for medical bills or make sure your family is financially secure - obviously, pride is not at play here. But if you obsess over making $150,000 a year instead of $125,000 a year, you've got to take a step back, friends. If you weren't surrounded by lots of people who make $145,000 and who you'd like nothing more than to show up, I'd say maybe we're ok. But be real...)

And here's another scary thing about pride I wish Lewis didn't teach me. Satan allows you to use IT to overcome other little messy sins you've got. 'I'm going to stop looking at questionable photos online' sounds great, and like a righteous gesture. And it is. But if your motive is 'I will stop doing that because it is beneath me; because I must ensure that I am better than my friends who do it' then 'Satan laughs,' as Lewis would say. You're letting a little fish go and taking a great grip of a huge shark. Saying "I will stop caring what other people think of me" is wonderful and should be tried. But saying "I will stop caring what other people think of me because everyone else is so trivial to me that why would I care?" is black and ugly and dark and the worst kind of awfulness.

That fact too - that pride allows us to overcome smaller sins with it - is the reason I believe that pride is so 'acceptable' and overlooked. Lewis says that Christians are the only people he knows whose set of morals disallows pride, and who actively admit they are prideful. That may be true of our philosophy as compared to others, but are we that kind of people? Do our friends who put up 1,000 facebook photos a day of their own faces gross us out, or as long as they make a Bible verse their status are we OK with it; even complimentary? Does my desire to go to the gym three times a week make me question why I motivate myself by rejoicing in the fact that I'm not lazy like other people, or does it make me congratulate myself for my discipline?

I wrote a column in Relevant once about our strange desire to make other people jealous of us - I think this pride thing is what I was getting at. It's such a malicious thing, and it looks so acceptable most of the time, doesn't it?

One last point - Lewis says that God looks down on pride not because He is vainly mad we aren't focusing enough attention on Him. He looks down on it because in order to commune with him, we have to let go of it. We can't commune with God if we don't know who He is; we can't know who He is until we know who we are in comparison to him; and we can't know that until we realize we are absolutely inconsequential. I don't think he quite cares about pride or humility in themselves. He just wants to be with us.

How are you feeling?

Now. The only glimmer of non-gloom I could find in Lewis's pride chapter is that 1. We cannot overcome pride ourselves, and 2. God wants to help us. That's all I'm holding on to at the moment. I hope He does help me. I'd like to look in the mirror again.

Friends, lets do this together. Don't do things because of other people. Don't do things in spite of them, or to 'show' them, or to make them feel negative about themselves or anything else. Do things to love them and then leave them alone.

And don't suggest they read C.S. Lewis. Unless they want to whine, throw the book away, pretend it didn't mean anything to them, lose a few nights' sleep, and then ...maybe...begin to change a little bit...

The Arabian Library and Other Weekend Adventures

On Friday night, I cleaned the bathroom. I do that every other Friday night. I used to do it on Saturday mornings, but then when I tried it on Friday once, I loved how it opened up Saturday for me. So I do it on Friday now. Always begrudgingly, because I think, sheesh Maria, it's the end of the work week... time for a nice cold Diet Sunkist, comfy shorts and a couple episodes of DVR'd What Not to Wear...but alas, I clean the bathroom and then get to all that nonsense. And it's always worth it!

Anyway, this past Friday night, I almost didn't clean the bathroom. We had no plans for this weekend other than to run to the mall at some point for a few needed items, and I thought, I suppose I can do this on Saturday instead. But I am glad I decided to clean on Friday night because we've had quite the adventurous weekend, Aaron and I.

There's a big brown building across the street from our apartment complex with a big sign that says "Arabian Library." Aaron and I always thought that was kind of odd. Are there usually entire libraries dedicated to one culture of literature? But we never really thought much of it, to tell you the truth. However, this Saturday morning, we decided we would find our closest public library. There are so many books I want to read, and I definitely want to build up a good arsenal for my Myrtle Beach trip next month. So we looked up our closest library and headed on over.

As we were talking to the nice lady about how to go about getting our cards and the book reserving process, she started telling us a little bit about the library. There is one central branch called the Civic Center library, and then there are a bunch of smaller branches around Scottsdale and they all share a catalog. She started rattling off their names...and I noticed that the branch we were at was called the Mustang Library.

Then I realized...they have named the branches after horses. Mustang. A horse. You know what else is a kind of horse? Arabian. Ahh! We had a good giggle. The librarian said "so, are we (the Mustangs) the closest branch to your home?" and we said "well...no...it would appear that the Arabian branch is."

What makes it the most ironic is that a few weeks ago when Aaron and I went to vote on a small ballot initiative for Phoenix, it listed a building close to the Arabian Library as our polling place. As I was driving around trying to find the building that day, I drove past the library and saw a family coming out, dressed in full burka. I thought nothing of it - after all, it was the Arabian library - and I kept driving. Are you laughing at me yet? :)

Anyway, I got some good books from the Mustang branch, though much to my amusement, I got them both out of the juvenile fiction section. :) Number the Stars - still have never read it and I LOVE Lois Lowry - and...I wince as I type this...The Magician's Nephew. I have never read the Narnia series. I have not. I apologize whole-heartedly to all of you whom this mortally offends. And I understand your outrage. That's why I'm going to start reading!

When we got home from the library, though, I was hit with the realization of all of the books I still have on my shelf here that I have yet to get to... The Cure for the Common Life by Max Lucado (I read the beginning last year and LOVED IT), The Adoration of Jenna Fox (an interesting looking novel Aaron's mom gave me from her impressive collection), Harris & Me (Aaron reads a chapter to me sometimes in the mornings - big smile), and The Book Thief, which Aaron and I started reading to each other back when I had mono sophomore year, but we have yet to finish! And, lastly, the king; the it; the monolith: Mere Christianity. I have read the first "book" of it twice now, and I got through the second book yesterday. It's blowing my mind, and that's why I don't want to read it too quickly and thus haven't hit it today yet. But it hit me so hard yesterday that I even wrote a song about it! In one sitting! Imagine. I will try to blog soon about some of the amazing things I'm learning from it.

So our library adventure was giggle-worthy for sure. And today was a beautifully sweet day as well; we went to Ikea to play around, then on a whim, went up to Desert Ridge and painted some pottery. We then saw quite a fun movie. This is what Aaron Michael is, friends. He is spontanaeity and joy and a big smile. He takes such an easy joy in things. I quite truly pity you all for not having found him before me. :)

I don't think I'll ever second-guess cleaning the bathroom on Friday again! :)

Hope your weekend was as lovely as mine, friends! Until next time...