Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Things Currently Annoying Me

Listen. I don't quite know how this blog makes me seem to you. Do I come off sweet? Abrasive? Pensive? Judgmental? Loving? Weird? Stupid? Hungry? I just don't know.

But I will tell you this.

Sometimes, I am just straight up ANNOYED. I am not feeling pensive or sweet or passionate or introspective or lovely. I am simply CONSUMED BY ANNOYANCE. I open facebook and am immediately annoyed. I turn on the TV and am annoyed. My boss annoys me. The fridge in the break room doesn't get cold enough and that annoys me. My dog annoys me. My chipping nail polish annoys me. Life is hard! PEOPLE ARE THE WORST!

And what is living if a girl can't use her blog to sound off a little, am I right? About all the nonsense, totally irrelevant things that just annoys her beyond what his probably healthy? COME INTO THE ANGER BUBBLE WITH ME.

1. Zach Braff
I mean, seriously Zach Braff? This dude is a huge liberal mouthpiece on Twitter, which is already annoying, because he thinks being on a sitcom that, while hilarious, was largely focused on jokes related to body parts, makes him a political expert. And now he's doing a Kickstarter? A Hollywood celebrity is DOING A KICKSTARTER? HE IS THE 99%!

2. Kickstarter
Seriously? I just can't get on board with it. I CANNOT. You know what I would love to do? I would love to sit at home in my pajamas, eating peanut butter out of the jar and occassionally answering HR questions over the phone. Can I start a kickstarter for that? Because that's what Kickstarters are. It is you saying I have this dream I want to do but I can't afford it and haven't been successful enough to make it work, so please donate to me (instead of the poor in your community) so that I can do what I want. Baloney!

3. The refridgerator in the breakroom

4. Yesterday's hot yoga instructor
Lady, TURN THE FAN ON. Hot yoga is supposed to be hot, but I'm pretty sure we were all about to die yesterday, just like that lady in that Native American ceremony in Sedona a few years ago. I've been doing Bikram for 6 months now and I know what that room is supposed to feel like. It is not supposed to feel like my limbs are burning off. NOT COOL, BLONDE INSTRUCTOR.

5. The unknown NBA player coming out as gay and suddenly becoming SUPER BRAVE
Seriously with this crap? Let me tell you what's brave - coming out AGAINST homosexual marriage. (Please to recall to memory: the guy that ran into the FRC a few months ago intending to KILL EVERYONE. Also: facebook memes) I can't even get into this one. My keyboard will start smoking. The bottom line is, I just don't care if he's gay, and supposedly none of us are supposed to care, and then he makes every headline ever and the President CALLS HIM? Where am I?

6. Dirty dishes
I mean, seriously dirty dishes? SERIOUSLY WITH THAT? You are single handedly RUINING the feng shui of my entire house.

7. My ankles

8.The price of gluten-free food alternatives

9.Writing the news
The other night, I was sitting there typing away like a good little reporter, and suddenly, I REACHED MY LIMIT. I COULD NOT WRITE ONE MORE WORD. And I was mid-story. It was a very painful experience. It was probably also painful for those around me (read: husband and dog.) It took great amounts of pacing, sweating and coaxing and a very dramatic turning down of the thermostat before I could start writing again. That crisis was averted but I am not looking forward to the next time it happens because it came out of NOWHERE.

10.The fact that House of Cards only has one season out
I can't get enough. I CANNOT GET ENOUGH. It is so terrible and so magnificent. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH OF IT, KEVIN SPACEY. Who do I write to about this.


Thursday, April 25, 2013


There are just so many things!

Things are happening! To me and around me and I just don't have time to feel them all! THINGS!

You may remember my post from a few weeks ago about how I have been neglecting my journal in the valley of tears and whatever else I wrote. Well, the journal is neglected no more but it is unclear whether that will prove healthy or not because I've been writing a lot but it is JUST. SO. DRAMATIC!

But things ARE dramatic! I am in an April whirlwind of emotions. We went to CA and were on Dexter, then came back to our non-Hollywood life, enjoyed a mini identity crisis (aka "a Monday") and then Mom and Dad were in town. We tore up Phoenix during their trip (aka sat by the pool and drove up to Payson to do a little hiking) and then they were gone, taking my bleeding heart with them back to the airport and prompting ANOTHER identity crisis, this one relating not as much to whether Hollywood is in my future and more to whether moving back to Ohio and having my Mom make me peanut butter sandwiches is.

THEN, we went camping last weekend at the Grand Canyon. More about that in a moment.

And intermingled with all of this, there were these horrible things. More and more horrible things that I don't know what to do with. A bombing in Boston. An explosion in Texas. A quite literally unbelievable abortion trial. And did you know that a factory in Bangladesh collapsed this week, killing upwards of 200 people?

On the same day that the factory exploded in Texas, Aaron and I found out, through a series of very strange and inexplicable events (NOT unfortunate - literary humor) that one of my dreams - my very deep, very real, very high-prioritized dreams is coming true with virtually no work on my part. We are going to Israel in September.

Then, this past weekend, we went camping in Havasupai, Arizona with a group of some of the most wonderful and smiley and sweet and selfless people you could ever meet. Havasupai is at the bottom of the Grand Canyon and is home to the most photographed waterfall in the world, according to my Mom's internet research. ("Google told me!") We hiked 8 miles down into the canyon with our packs on our back, which - while certainly great breeding grounds for one of the gnarliest blisters ever seen west of the Mississippi - is also and more importantly one of the most surefire ways to feel absolutely invincible. 8 miles into the Grand Canyon, and just my little old legs got me there! YOUR MOVE, LIFE.

We went swimming and hiking and ate steak and salmon that our friend and trip planner extraordinaire had helicoptored in from the civilization above - isn't that crazy? And then on Saturday night before going to sleep Aaron and I snuck off like teenagers and went up to the waterfall, to look at it under all of the stars. It was one of those moments. Like standing near the ocean at night at Myrtle Beach when I was 13, or like sitting on the back porch of our over-the-top resort suite on our first anniversary. Just one of those electrifying moments that make me feel this certain way I can't describe. A little closer to God, I think.

(I mean seriously, the drama AMIRITE)

Anyway, we survived the ensuing 8-mile hike back UP the canyon with our packs on our backs, though at the end of that one I felt a little less invincible and a little more willing-to-kill-for-Gatorade, which luckily I didn't have to do because there was a nice (and by 'nice' I mean 'didn't say one word to me') Native American lady at the top of the trail selling Gatorades out of the back of her truck. Not a bad idea; business folks - free tip.

So now we are back in Phoenix, reading about collapsing buildings and things being wrecked and broken and torn apart and terrorist plots and arrests and our own Congress trying to exempt itself from its own healthcare law, and then also going to yoga and drinks after work with friends and obsessing over Netflix's "House of Cards" (KEVIN SPACEY !!!!!!) and pretty much living the freaking dream.

My heart just feels pulled. Desperate and grateful. Sad and bursting with happy excitement. This is when people usually go to a bakery and eat a whole cake by themselves, right? Do cakes have gluten?

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

California and the Reynolds and Dexter and also did I mention Dexter?

Now let me just tell you something about California.

I think California is the most perfect place on earth. It is simultaneously Ohio in the spring when life isn't half bad and a summery beach where your hair gets wavy and you don't even mind. It does not get very cold. It does not get Arizona-hot. It gets leaves in the fall. The southern part does not get snow. It has mountains and palm trees. It is perfect. BUT WE'VE RUINED IT, DUMMIES. Gas is $400 a gallon and beer is $15 for a six-pack and you have to pay 5 dollars to drive in the left lane of the highway now (not kidding.) I mean?! Oh man, I would live there in a heartbeat. I really would. But then I'd have to live under a bridge. Probably a great bridge, with great weather, but where would I plug in my hair dryer, you know? These are the questions.

Aaron, Ben and I just had such a great freaking weekend two weeks ago in California with the freaking greatest people you will ever meet, the Reynolds fam. Scott writes for Dexter, Amy is a boot camping interior designer, Mr. Zane shreds the guitar and little miss roller derby Audrey loves the Beatles (but CANNOT choose a favorite song. Maybe Blackbird. WE DON'T KNOW.) So we hung around Pasadena with them and ate great food and went to Amoeba Records in Hollywood AND got to play pretend on the set of Dexter. And then we were extras - sorry sorry "background artists" on Dexter.

On Friday we got "reflexology" massages for $25 in Pasadena. Then we had sushi. Then we snooped around the Dexter set.

On Saturday we went to Manhattan Beach and rented bikes. We (by "we" I mean "I") got sunburned on our nose and oh my gosh we did not even care one little bit. Then we got ice cream.

On Saturday night, the dudes had "Western Night" and the ladies went out to eat at an adorable cafe called Mike & Anne's and we talked about life and how it hurts sometimes but is also very lovely.

On Sunday we went to Mosaic Church in Hollywood and were overcome with the amount of talent that people in this world have. We loved the service. But we were also overcome with the feeling of being the most giant nerd on the planet. Then we resolved to start a personal campaign to become cooler; buying a denim vest being the first task on our list; and then we remembered we were in church and we said sorry for being so shallow, but then we prayed for a little help in becoming cooler, and then we were back on the denim vest.

After church we went to Stout and we tried gluten-free beer and it wasn't half-bad, hippies.

Then we went to Amoeba and left with some great Mazzy Star and Nada Surf and Edward Sharp loot.

Then we went home to take naps and work on our freelance assignments.

Then we went to a steakhouse where they cook your food in front of you. Seeing Audrey's reaction as this happened may have been the best part of the weekend?

ON MONDAY WE WERE ON DEXTER. We were at the location shooting for many, many hours. A lady did my hair. We did the same scene many many many many times. And it was probably the most fun day of my life (outside of my wedding and that one time at Cedar Point when they let us stay on the Millenium Force without getting off because there was no one in line. Also once I had a Star Wars marathon all day and that was pretty great too but my point is that being on Dexter was freaking really fun.)

We got to watch Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter and everyone else in action while they rehearsed and tried different lines different ways and all of that. I wish I could tell you more but I cannot. It will be the 5th episode of this season. You must watch.

Also I think I would like to be a Director, or an Assistant Director. Do you know anyone who needs Directing? Or I would also settle for a Famous Actor. Do you know anyone who needs Famous Acting?
Here are some pictures. TOO BAD I CAN'T SHOW YOU MORE! (I am the coolest person you know.)

With Amy and Ben and Dex's boat
Miami PD
Dex's Couch: Not Too Comfortable


Dex's desk.

Dexter's Bed: Also Not Comfortable
Hollywood sign outside of Sunset Gower Studios
Bikes in Manhattan Beach
Coolest Fam Ever
Seriously, thank you, Reynolds. 

This post is coming to you kind of late, if you're into timing blog posts and things, but we have been crazy busy. After CA, Mom and Dad were in town, which constituted a lot of pizza joints and a sun burn out by the pool, and this coming weekend we are going camping at the Grand Canyon in what is sure to be another photo-essay-worthy venture, wouldn't you agree?

So forgive my absence. I'll be back soon.

To tide you over, I've saved the best photo for last. IT IS DEXTER'S REFRIGERATOR