Wednesday, May 8, 2013

I Don't Think Cellulite is a Problem and Other Lightning Bolts of Awareness

Last Friday, Aar and I were like, UGH. You know, the Friday 'ugh'? WHAT A LONG WEEK. So after we bare-knuckle fought it out over who had the worst first-world problems (I won; fading hair color is A DISASTER) we decided to have a stupendous evening. This involved first going to BW3's (people in Arizona DO NOT CALL IT THAT. They call it "buffalo wild wings" all spelled out like that, like some huge idiot.) BW3's boneless wings are not gluten-free, but their regular wings are. I am determined to find the most unhealthy way to be gluten-free, is what I'm saying, and I am well on my way.

Anyway after B-dubbs we were going to go see a movie (Oblivion - it was rockin' - but did you see THIS about Tom Cruise?!?!) but we had a few minutes to kill. And being that we live in Phoenix, the land where B-dubbs is "Buffalo Wild Wings," there was also a Bath and Body Works right next to the restaurant. STRIP MALLS! (I JUST REALIZED WE SHOULD BE CALLING THAT STORE BBW. And now we're full circle.)

After I picked up my new stock of vanilla-scented shower accountrements I was perusing the True Blue Spa stuff (GET ME ALL OF IT FOR CHRISTMAS) and a nice associate came over to me and began telling me which things were her favorite. Then she pointed out some kind of "smoothing" serum or whoseewhatsit and said "that thing is so good on cellulite. UGH CELLULITE IS THE WORST!"

She was a tiny woman, a little bit older and very nice, and I started thinking about cellulite. Not just how she could possibly have it, but also what it is, exactly. A dimple in your skin. And I started laughing. Giggling like an idiot. A dimple! We have given so much moral authority to a dimple! The dimple is TERRIBLE! It is TO BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS! Buy this cream! Saran wrap yourself! Exfoliate! Get rid of that mother effing dimple before I send you to confession!

OMG I'm going to say it - even though I seriously hate repeating the word 'dimple' like this, ew - I don't think that the dimple is bad!

Yesterday I was a certain person. I was Maria, HR Specialist to the gods, sporter of fading yellow highlights and Tana French addict. And I probably had some cellulite (didn't inspect yesterday's specific damage back there, but it's a fair bet.) Today when I woke up, the cellulite may have been different. There may be more; there may be less. But!!! I am the same!!!!

 I still ate yogurt for breakfast and starting craving a Diet Sunkist around 10 am. I still did my job and drank some water and read the news and had thoughts and ALL of those things. I was the same!

Another thing that may have changed: the Number. You know, that number. The scale thing.

But! The same!

I don't think cellulite is a problem. Stop freaking being so cellulite-ist, assholes.

Additional non-issues:
1. The size of my pants
2. Pants being kinda tighter after the dryer
3. How loudly the floor creaks when you step on it (WELCOME TO THE INSANE MIND OF THE PATHOLOGICALLY BODY-CONSCIOUS)
4.The number of strawberries that become "too many"

Real stuff:
1. Kindness
2. Whether you get angry enough after the Starbucks lady forgets to put vanilla in your latte that you call the store later and ask them to credit your card back. I had a major victory this morning, everyone, in that I did NOT do that. It may have been because I couldn't find my phone at the moment but I didn't look for it very hard, ok. Also we have creamer in the lunch room, FYI, on an unrelated note.
3. Honesty
4. Wisdom
5. Generosity
6. Tana French

May you bask in the glow of new truth today, cellulite and all.

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