Unsettled

If I were an Ikea, my heart would have lots of shelves. They would be very organized. Love for my family here. Fangirl neuroses for the Steelers there. Friend love in one place, happy memories in another, sad memories in the back, lamentations for my lactose intolerance on the kiosk. You get the idea.

But right now, there is something and I have no clue what to do with it. About a year ago, my blondie friend Nicki and her hubby Wes became pregnant. I remember getting her e-mail at work telling me about it - it was one of those times I had to get up and walk a lap around the hotel because I was so jacked. They had wanted a little one for a long time.

Then I remember watching this adorable video on Facebook in which Nick and Wes and their families cut into this cake with a bunch of question marks on it... if the cake was pink it was a girl; blue it was a boy, green it was a dinosaur, etc. They had had the ultrasound earlier in the day but didn't know the results. The cake was pink. Girly girly girl! The video was especially heart-warming because Nicki spent the whole time telling everyone what to do. No one bosses like that girl does. It's the type of bossing that makes you feel like she loves you SO much, that she just wants you to do stuff right. It's her love language. I mean that completely, too.

Then one day in August, I was sitting in my hallway folding laundry. I hated folding laundry in the hallway in that apartment because Jet would always come step on everything and knock over my piles.

My phone rang and it was Amy. The thing about calls from Amy is, every time I've ever heard bad news in my life, I'm pretty sure it has come from an Ame-call. And she has a voice. A bad-news voice. I want to shake her when I hear it. She told me Nicki and Wes lost the baby. Little Ellersley Grace.

Now Nicki writes the most beautiful, raw blog about her journey with it.

And I just don't know what to do with this thing. I am holding it in my hands and it makes me feel so, so heavy for them, and I don't have a single shelf to put it on.

I love you both.