Last night Aaron and I ate at our favorite Friday night spot, Four Peaks. It's up in Scottsdale next to an auto parts store and Costco. That's what suburbs are like.
Aaron (regarding the baseball player on the TV): "They call that guy Kung Fu Panda."
Aaron: "Yeah. Kung Fu Panda. Because he's fat."
Me: "that guy's not fat."
Aaron: "Yes he is! Look at his jowls."
Me: "I'm sorry?"
Aaron: "His jowls. He has big jowls. He's jolly."
Me: "I don't understand what jowls have to do with being fat. When you say 'jowls' are you referring to actual 'jowls' or some other part of the human body that you think should be called 'jowls'? And anyway, even if that guy were actually fat, why Kung Fu Panda? I mean, what?"
Aaron: "You know. Kung Fu Panda. Like the fat panda in the movie. Pandas are fat."
Me: "There are so many millions of other animals and people in the world that society associates with being fat before pandas. Whales. Tubs of goo. Your proverbial 'mamma.' Roseanne."
Aaron: "Roseanne probably wasn't always fat. Plus, that's a girl's name."
Me: "Is it more normal to be called an animal than a girl?"
Aaron: "I'm just saying, pandas are fat."
Me: "Does that guy know Kung Fu or something? Because I could get on board if that guy is like, an olympic-level Kung Fu artist or athlete or whatever they call them. Although it would be a little weird if he spent most of his time playing baseball when really he's an olympic Kung Fu dancer. USA!"
Aaron: "You're missing the point."
Me: "If there was a point, I think I'm losing my grip on the English language."
Aaron: "Sometimes nick names are nonsensical."
Me: "I think I'd like to write down for future notice to you that nonsensical nicknames are off limits for dinner conversation."
Aaron: "I don't know why you have such an aversion to Kung Fu Panda."
Me: "Baseball makes me cry a little."
Aaron: "You have salad dressing on your jowls."