Tuesday, August 14, 2012

You Can Tell People You Know Me

Do you ever wonder if you're just a few years away from being totally famous? I think about that all the time. I'm not sure what I'd like to be famous for, but I'd like it to be positive. Not like - omg there's that chick who fell out of a hot air balloon and landed on that kid's bouncy castle at his barmitzvah. That is what I would consider being famous "for a negative." Or possibly for "being insane." I'd rather be famous for writing a novel like The Scarlet Letter where every sentence has a double meaning and takes at least 10 minutes to read. (Writing a novel like this is something I think about every single day, actually. It is a very real, inexplicable dream.)

Anyway, do you ever think, wow, here I am stirring the spaghetti sauce and one day people are going to be like "OMG I wish I had been there when she was just standing there, stirring the spaghetti sauce. Not being famous. She had no idea."

When I was a kid I figured that when I did the proverbial "growing up" I would be the next Celine Dion, only not really a whole entire generation ahead of her because we would also have a duet album. That was back when I believed that any thought you could accomplish literally any goal that you could conceive of. (Parenting points to Ma and Pa.) Anyway, I distinctly remember using public restrooms and then afterwards thinking "I bet they will sell tickets to use that stall one day since I used it." But now that I'm an adult and infinitely wiser I see the naivete of that, because I don't think anyone could ever get to that fame level, not even Celine Dion Version 2. Like, do they sell tickets to use the public restroom stall that John Lennon used? I'm sure it's a ripoff if they do. Also, gross.

Regardless, here is a list of things I think I could conceivably become famous for:

1. The amount of times I have watched Return of the Jedi (if I had to ballpark I'd say it's about 10 times more than you)
2. The amount of anxiety I get when I realize I have laid down in bed without socks on
3. The number of times I have incorrectly used the word "ethereal"
4. My inexplicable desire to constantly use the word "ethereal"
5. My pumpkin roll (this is not a euphemism)
6. Being the only high school student in the history of ever who got in trouble for asking 'too many calculus-related questions'
7. The poster I drew in fifth grade for the fire department sign contest in which I plagiarized Blessed Union of Souls lyrics and then won a Walkman (if only you could've seen the cigarette I drew in a red circle with a line through it. Chicago Museum of Art material.)
8. The number of times I have gotten lost
9. The number of times I have called Aaron while lost to ask for help without being able to describe to him where I am (this is a fun game)
10. The number of Hostess cupcakes I have consumed in one lifetime
11. Being a 25-year-old woman who has not read Twilight
12. Remaining a Republican after attending Ohio University
13. Remaining sober after attending Ohio University
14. My intensely boring personality (please see 12 and 13)
15. Not really getting what the big deal is about Ryan Gosling

Coincidentally this diatribe is making me think about how one time I wrote in my journal that the sweetest thing Aaron ever did was grabbing my face and saying very forcefully to me, "Maria. You are not weird." This is not meant to say that Aaron doesn't do anything sweet. I genuinely mean that this touched me possibly more than anything else he's ever said. Because I am afraid I'm weird. Like, bad weird. Bad famous weird. I don't know. Maybe eating all those Hostess cupcakes is just part of being a human being. We may never know.

Unless this list actually makes me famous. Call me, LA Times!


  1. LA will eat you alive, love. And if you don't want to be weird, fine, but you are anything but ordinary. I'll keep weird on lock for you, ha.