Tuesday, September 25, 2012

What I'm Thinking About While I'm In Here

1. BRRRRR OMG  FREAKING FREEZING oh. ok now it's not so bad.

2. What is 100 divided by .95? How many 100's do I have to do to swim a mile? What do Olympic swimmers think about while they're swimming, and does it have something to do with animals? I think it'd be really crazy if you could say you had won an Olympic medal while thinking about animals. There's probably not a lot of other sports where you could do that. Now I'm thinking about koala bears, so does that mean I'm going to win a medal? Isn't that how the transitive property works? Maybe if you're a Democrat, heh heh.

3. My political humor is really getting good. I should tell Dad that joke. You know, the transitive property one.

4. Mr. Hairy in the lane next to me is slapping the water very forcefully as he swims and it's making me angry. There is pool etiquette, you know. Loud slapping is ON THE LIST.

5. Crap, I have no idea how many laps I've done so far. Let's try to gauge it by how hard I'm breathing. Ok, I've done 500988 billion laps. Damn, girl!

6. If I swallowed a moutful of water every time I swam a lap, would there be a noticeable difference in the water level when I got out of the pool in an hour? Am I curious enough to try it? The pros would be that I'd have a cool science story to share at parties, specifically where there are people who like science. The con would be that I'd swallow lots of chlorine and other people's sweat, and I'd probably ruin my appetite for fish tacos at Rubios after this. I'm officially not curious enough. Gosh, I'm so pragmatic. More people should be pragmatic like me.

7. Should I get rice and nachos or rice and beans at Rubios? Do you think lemonade is close enough to water for me to drink it and still be hydrated? That lady who was working at Rubios last time was funny, but she laughed a little too hard at her own jokes. There's a line, you know?

8. What if I do way too many laps and my arms bulk up like a bodybuilder and people start asking me for help lifting cars off of children and stuff? I'm a person too, ok guys? And stop putting your cars on all these children.

9. That flip turn was like, the worst flip turn in the history of flip turns. I turned way too early and didn't even touch the wall and then I had to swim backwards to hit the wall and then push off. I bet all those punks at swim practice over in lane 8 are laughing their little stupid butts off at how bad that flip turn was. They're like, 'what's up with that chick in Lane 3 with the bright yellow cap? Did you see that flip turn? It's almost like she has no idea how the transitive property works.' Well you know what, punks? I'm going to go home, eat cookies for dinner and watch Adult Swim until it's way past your bedtime, so suck on that. Plus I don't have to sit through Miss Featherbottom's math class tomorrow, SUCKAS!
10. If this chlorine chips my nail polish I'm going to be like, UGH. But then I'll tell everyone at work tomorrow MY NAIL POLISH IS CHIPPED BECAUSE I SWAM SO MANY LAPS YESTERDAY and then I'll be the Queen of Everybody.

11. Do you think that everyone who sees my swim cap, which says "ATHENS" on it in big letters, thinks that I swam in the Athens Olympics? If they do, they're probably confused by my snail-like pace, especially when it comes to backstroke, but maybe they just think I'm hustling them and I'm going to break out in lightening-fast speed one day. I don't know how that would benefit me though unless I had some financial interest in it. Maybe I could talk to all the moms out here when I'm done and bet them I could beat their little punk kid in a race? I'm going to file this idea for later when I haven't swallowed so much water.

12. Is there one specific moment where it goes from "Light" to "Dark" outside? Like, when I put my head down in the water to take a breath, can it change by the time I come up for air? Also, if I keep breathing on the right side, is my neck going to hurt later, and then my mom is going to give me another lecture about not letting stress get to me, but then I have to tell her it's not the stress that's making my neck hurt, it's breathing? I really don't want to have that conversation tonight though because I have a new episode of NCIS on my tivo.

13. If I splash around enough and act like I'm super slow and have trouble swimming in a straight line, maybe Mr. Speedo up there will get the hint and not ask to share lanes with me. (Now I am violating my own pool etiquette rules, and now I have to ponder why I value my own comfort above my principles, and now I feel like I don't deserve Rubios anymore but instead a lengthy conversation with a priest?)

14. I think I should be done soon.

15. It's been an hour and I'm starting to daydream about granola bars, so it's time to wash my hair and take the glorious walk out to my car with freshly showered skin and tired muscles and an open wallet. You know. For the Rubios.

Until Saturday, ya'll, happy swimming.

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